Dani’s ~ 663 days

“Drinking didn’t bring out the worst in me, hangovers did.

My personal relationship with alcohol has always been ambivalent.

I was always in control when I drank - a ‘fun drunk’ with a sensible twist. Always entertaining whilst still being responsible for my safety and behaviour. Some of my funniest memories include times when I drank which is why I would never demonise alcohol.

I became more confident when I drank which is the one thing I could be swayed to say that I miss about drinking and the one thing that’s still being worked on in my journey without alcohol.

So I would go out and make joyous memories with enhanced confidence. What’s not to like?

75% of the time after I drank I would feel truly awful. The next day would be filled with a cloud of negativity: self-destructive thoughts, hanxiety, decreased productivity and simply not feeling myself at all.
This could sometimes bleed into the second day but I just put this down to being a lightweight.

The difficulty I faced was that I enjoyed the fun that I had when drinking and because I didn’t drink every weekend I would dissociate from the memory of the last hangover to focus on the fun that would be gained from the upcoming drinking. And so the cycle continued.

It wasn’t until lockdown in my thirties that I fully assessed my relationship with alcohol.
I had the time and motivation to explore what outside factors were a hinderance to my mental health and productivity.

I started to notice that it was always a gamble on how I would react to alcohol the next day. I could share a bottle of wine with my boyfriend and wake up feeling ok, then the next night I could have one glass of wine and wake up with raging anxiety.
The unpredictability in itself was scary so I started to drink a lot less.

By 2022 I was drinking very infrequently just for special occasions which is when I noticed that my anxiety was generally quieter. I also started to realise that I didn’t need to drink to let my hair down. I’m quite silly and expressive at heart so I embraced more of this side of me without alcohol.

By December 2022 I made a promise to myself to do one year sober and I’ve never looked back.

I’m nearly two years alcohol free and I’m more connected to myself than ever.
I’m less anxious, healthier, more stable in my decisions and relationships, ever-curious and feel I’ve found a way back to myself.

That being said, I would never say that going sober is a linear progression.
I never truly realised just how much alcohol numbs your feelings, even when you’re just a causal drinker. So as someone who has suffered from trauma and is embarking on a complex healing journey, the processing can be intense.
It’s just me, my feelings and memories with nothing to numb them away.
It’s a scary, complex and beautiful thing.

I have a strong support system in my life who have embraced and supported my decision to go alcohol free but I know it’s not always this well received for everyone with sober shaming so I have been very lucky in this regard.
And it goes both ways. I don’t judge my loved ones for drinking because I’m pro choice and I can see that they don’t suffer the negative effects that I experienced.

Being alcohol free has been daunting, challenging, freeing and liberating.

It’s taught me how strong I am.
It’s taught me that life is beautiful in its simplest and most natural form.”